Combat Jack With Today's Mathematics

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I figured I would take my 11 and 12 year old sons with me to see the new Sam Raimi flick "Drag Me To Hell", especially since it's rated PG-13. Having basically grown up with the Spiderman franchise and blowing their minds by having them view "Dark Man" earlier this year, they were psyched to see another Raimi production. I also groomed them over the years to have at least a sense of respect for the horror genre. Some nights, as I'd pop "Night Of The Living Dead" or "Halloween" in the dvd player, I'd beam as a proud father as I watched them from afar with their little faces frozen in fear as they took in some of my favorite scary movies from years past. Still, as we walked into the theatre, I could see some nervous glances coming from them, uncertain as to whether they would survive the hell they were about to witness. The result as the credits scrolled up the screen? We had an effin blast!

Revered as a true master of horror after he dropped "Evil Dead", "Evil Dead 2" and "Army Of Darkness", fans have been eagerly awaiting Raimi's return to scary movies, especially since he blew up and became known to the masses as a bankable blockbuster director. From the opening scene, Raimi lets you know exactly what you're in for. Simple, brutal, blunt, loud and to the point, you know that beyond the confines of the safe little "real" world we live in, there are evil scary things laying right beyond the edges of reality, demons waiting patiently for any of us simple mere mortals to fuck up, eff around with the wrong ancient artifact or the wrong person to unleash or catch a curse giving them a pass to enter our world, long enough for them to exact all types of hellish fuckery and what not on that unsuspecting ass. Catch the right curse, best believe those devilish bastards will be taking your twisted ass back home with them, leaving your torterd soul to squirm in fiery damnation as you eternally burn in hell.

You've seen the commercials and the trailers, you know whats next. How the cute Blonde bank loan officer Christine Brown (played by Alison Lohman) decides to play heartless as she denies the elderly gypsy woman Mrs. Ganush (Lorna Raver) an extension on her delinquent mortgage payments which will result in the bank seizing Ganush's home and leaving her homeless. How Mrs. Ganush curses Lohman with a special express one way ticket to Hell. How Lohman catches it every which way as supernatural forces torment the remaining moments of her life, how she desperately enlists the support of her boyfriend Clay Dalton (Justin Long), fortune teller Rahm Jas (Dileep Rao) and trusty exorcist in waiting Shaun San Dena (Adriana Barraza) to help her out of this jacked up predicament. Believe me, I can't give anything away about this piece, not because I don't want to but because there's nothing more to it than what you already know. No twists and turns, no "I didn't know it was him that did that" kind of moments, no surprise endings. None of that. Written by Raimi and his older brother Ivan, "Drag Me To Hell" is one of the simplest movies, plot-wise that you will see in a very long time. And that friends, is a very very good thing.















Raimi didn't need anything to stand in his way as he created this masterpiece. Not even an R rating. I admit I was disappointed when I initially learned of the movie's pre-teen friendly rating but since 1981 when his first movie "Evil Dead" changed the game, Sam Raimi never let me, let us, the movie goers down. I knew for sure, with his return to horror, that "Drag Me To Hell" was going to be entertaining. And that is exactly what this movie is, pure unadulterated entertainment. No over the top blood and gore, even though the movie goes over the top and will gross you the eff out, especially since Raimi goes all juvenile and sophmore-ish with the gross out scenes, filled with so much wet nasty shit that you'd never want to witness and experience in real life. No over doing it with trying to scare you shitless, even though I jumped more than a couple of times as things went bump in the dark, in the night, and even during some very bright sun-light filled shots. Yes, you will be jumping, and jumpy through the entire movie as Rami lets loose with the frights and the chills. I was also concerned about some of the special effects and cgi scenes that were featured in the trailers and commercials. I hate movies that rely too much on obvious cgi special effects, maybe because the outcome always comes off looking way too fake for my liking. Raimi applied just the right amount of cgi, even where it looked like it might be too much, too fake even, but it all made sense, maybe because what was transpiring on screen was so god damned way out that the cgi made it all make sense, brought it back to Earth. You'll understand when you see this.

What I didn't expect when I copped the tickets was how funny this movie was going to be. This movie is straight certified comedy, people in every aisle laughing loudly and almost throughout the entire movie comedy, EVEN as we jumped and screamed and ducked from the thrills and scares. And not funny in a sadistic "damned she got eff'd up" way. Or that nervous laughter to let up on the horror intake. I'm talking purposefully funny, in how the characters react to situations, the things they say, even as they say them with straight faces, and yes, even the way she and they get physically assaulted. I haven't laughed this hard at the movies since last summer when I peeped "Pineapple Express". I remember when I first saw "American Werewolf In London" and being blown away at how John Landis was able to deliver the perfect combination of comedy and horror. At the time, I thought that movie would forever be the best of that combo. No more. "Drag Me To Hell" snatches the title for "funniest horror movie" as it compromises nothing in it's delivery.

As the final credits rolled, with me, my boys and the rest of the audience clapping, still laughing, still marveling at the horror we just witnessed, still taking in all the understated over the top moments and regaining our senses as we prepped to re-enter the real world, when lights came back on, I realized that what we all shared as a collective audience after this short and sweet gem was over (99 minutes in length) was nothing but sheer fun. Without shitting on the seriousness of the genre while at the same time, not taking said genre nor himself too seriously, Raimi once again demonstrates why he's a master of his game. I might have felt a bit guilty as I tortured my boys when they watched "Halloween", might have crossed the line even when they sat through "Nightmare On Elm Street", but none of that guilt, that 2nd guessing myself took place here. This movie should fall under the category as being a funny entertaining piece that incidentally happens to be a horror flick. Without going too far, I'd venture to say that this movie provides full "wholesome" entertainment for the entire family, kinda in that roller coaster amusement park kinda way. I urge you all to run see this. Bring the entire fam (get a sitter for kids under 11), make this that first date joint, take your moms even. Even those that hate scary pictures, please see this and trust that you haven't been entertained like this in a long time.

Back in 1981, when he was an unknown independent director unshackled by the constraints of Hollywood and its suits, then 22 year old Raimi went buck wild and held nothing back as he and his brother Ivan had fun shooting "Evil Dead" on a shoe string budget. Watching "Drag Me To Hell", it's so obvious he had just as much fun making this, like he was 22 again, only with a bigger budget. "Drag Me To Hell" will definitely make you feel like a kid again. And in a very good way.

I hated that last Terminator flick with the chick roboid. Plus, I'm wary of the upcoming "Terminator Salvation" having a PG-13 rating. Any Terminator joint should be nothing less than R. Still and all, this newly released 4 minute clip kinda looks dope. I made it a point to miss that "X-Men Origins: Wolverine" basura last week. No me gusto basura. "Star Trek" was fuego though. Here's hoping that this flick brings the pain on May 21st.

I'm not a Trekkie. Them cats epitomize the corniness in corn ball. I always rocked with the young James Tiberius Kirk though. Maybe it's because my intro to good science fiction, not that throwaway ish, was the original "Star Trek" series, the reruns of which I watched religiously when I was growing up on the black and white tv. Or maybe it was how he matched gully for gully fighting against gully ass muh fuckers of different species.

Or how he smashed the green broad.

The show blew my young mind on so many different levels. The true multi-cultural crew, the depth of the stories, the sets, the special effects, the fight scenes, the technology, like the phaser, the bugged out design of the USS Enterprise NCC-1701A, the sexiness of the women, this show won on all levels and the bar for all subsequent serious science fiction contenders was set extremely high.
























The entire cast of Gene Roddenberry's Star Trek were iconic in their own right. Spock, McCoy Scotty, Sulu, Chekov and the incredibly exotic Uhura played by the incredible Nichelle Nichols, that was a team that held Kirk down against all types of intergalactic fuckery. The series ran from 1966 to 1969 when it was canceled due to low ratings. Despite that, the show was nominated for several and won a couple of highly esteemed science fiction awards.

I didn't eff with any of the follow up "Star Trek" series, on account of how, although it seemed as if they retained the smartness of the original, there was no parts of gully. Plus, I didn't like the way they played the brother with the shell on his forehead. Or how they had Kunta Kinte rocking the Kanye West shades. Whoopi Goldberg playing the space traveling Aunt Jemima didn't help the franchise's image in my eyes either. The movie versions were kinda cool, but it was mad distracting that Kirk and Spock visually came off as being mad geriatric. Not that geriatrics can't get down, just that I'm not checking for a gang of them in my sci fi movies. "Wrath Of Kahn" was mos def hardbody.



















J.J. Abrams' (of "LOST fame) "Star Trek" wins for all the same reasons the original series won. Instead of further building on the massiveness that the franchise has become, "Star Trek" goes back to the basics, actually a bit beyond. The movie opens up with the very early days of James Kirk and Spock. We get their story, who and why they are, way before we get swept up in all the extra-terrestrial eye candy and story plot that this movie has to offer. And it all makes sense as to why they've been like that. Chris Pine does an excellent job of playing Kirk, and subtly channels the swagger of original actor William Shatner onscreen. Zachary Quinto ("Heroes") is so seamless in his portrayal of Lenoard Nimoy's Mr. Spock ithat I almost forget that there ever was a Leonard Nimoy. What makes their performances so great is that in channeling their predecessors, Pine and Quinto manage to make the old characters theirs. Not like Brandon Routh's performance of Christopher Reeves' Superman in "Superman Returns", where Routh comes off as doing his best Reeves impression.

I saw this on an IMAX screen and shit was awesome B. The Enterprise was the same as the one I grew up watching, but mad brand new. Most of the gadgets too. The old trocorders and phasers, but brand new again. My viewing was like getting a sense of nostalgia from something new in your life. And in a very good way. One of the things from the original series that stayed pushing my little wig back was how they would have members of the crew transport back and forth from ship to planet and back. Watching them flip the transporter in this movie, tweaked just a bit, took me so back to when I used to peep it on the small screen.

The plot ain't bad either. At it's core, this is a basic story of revenge by some gully ass Romulans. Back in the original series, the Romulans were a mean ass warrior race whose intention it was to fuck up your day, all types of ways. Same shit here, with Eric Bana who does an incredible job playing the role of Nero, an evil ass bastard who captains the rest of the Romulan crew. The fight scenes are just right as well. It's so great to watch a Kirk who likes to get hit as much as he likes hitting.

As much as the special effects displayed in "Star Trek" is breathtaking, and there's some real breathtaking special effects, the main thing that makes this movie a must is the cast. Every member of the core crew of the Enterprise revitalizes the roles established by the series 43 years ago. John Cho as Sulu, Anton Yelchin as Chekov and the invaluable Simon Pegg as Scottie make it feel as if the original cast never left us. Karl Urban who plays Dr. McCoy is pure shits and giggles whenever he's on screen. And Zoe Saldana as Uhuru. Oh. My. God. Fine ain't got nothing on sweet Zoe.

There's some time travel stuff going on, and a bit of a mishap in the casting of the original Spock, Leonard Nimoy, as some old Vulcan, but that's a small thing. What's great is that this movie is a well executed reboot of the franchise, so it won't matter if some veiwers are totally new to the "Star Trek" experience. They won't feel like they're missing any of it's history watching this.

J.J. Abrams succeeds in doing something so rare amongst all of these major television to movie adaptations of late. "Star Trek" is most definitely a big screen of a gem type piece, but watching it on that huge ass IMAX screen, all I kept thinking was how magical it was in that it felt as if I were watching an episode of the original series, just on the IMAX and with having to pay $14. "Star Trek" made me feel like that kid from the 1970's again watching the 1960' show.

And that feeling was priceless.

What's better than good Hip Hop + Comic books?

I called my brother from another borough Dallas Penn this weekend to see what was popping off since I was playing Mr. Dad with my four kids. He told me he had just taken a "deuce" at Bloomingdale's while in the midst of shooting a DOOM video. I quickly changed the subject since his poop fixation is not at all amusing to me. I assumed he was palling around with the artist DOOM, and even asked if he caught a glimpse of dude with his mask off. Heh. Little did I know he was working on this.

EFFIN DOPE!!!

I am so jealous right now.

I missed this last Friday, 7pm on Nicktoons. Not too keen on the yung Tony Stark, but heard and read it was dope. Did anyone see it?

Lars von Trier's Antichrist - Official Trailer from Zentropa on Vimeo.

Sorry I've been taking a while cooking up some more posts. They're coming, trust. But in the meantime, I just came across this trailer which looks creepy as all "hell". The movie is directed by this Danish cat Lars von Trier. Starring Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg, the flick is about a married couple who take to the woods in order to cope with the death of their young son. Like most movies, once they get to settle down in their cabin, the shits and giggles start to pop off. Enjoy.

Courtesy of Ain't It Cool News.

Not that you might care, but I'm a big film buff. Love the movies. All types of movies. My favorite though, is horror. When I was five years old, me and my older cousins were left alone, unsupervised by adults, on a cold wintry Saturday night. As my oldest cousin went to sleep, I stayed awake, twisting the old school knob dial changer until I hit the station featuring the "Creature Feature" movie of the week "Night Of The Living Dead". Once the movie started, I was too shook to change to a kindler gentler show. My shit was frightened to the effin core at what took place on the screen. That George Romero black and white zombie masterpiece fucked my head up permanently. What I realized though, was that no matter how horrified I was, there was a certain high, a rush that came with the scares. It was the beginning of my true, never dying love affair with horror films, and I've been trying to recapture my first high ever since. It wasn't cool that the Black dude that played hero died though, still, at least he survived and made it to the end of the movie.























I stay fiending for the perfect horror flick, not the blood fest type ones that focus more on the mad gore and chocolate syrup splattering. Not the stupid ones either, like the ones with the dumb white chicks running, stumbling TOWARDS their attackers or the recent joints of late with a cast of "beautiful" Blonde kids camping out on some deserted, haunted hotel, beach, resort, camp house by the pool with the lake and the hitchhikers and killers with the Scream type masks. Them joints are an insult. Plus, the one Black kid always gets it first.

I'm talking about the joint that, once you watch, once you let the horror that unfolds seep into your psyche, you know for a fact that you'll carry a bit of that horror with you for a long effin time, maybe to the grave even. You know what I'm talking about, "The Exorcist", the first "Halloween", that old school HBO joint "The Hitcher", shit even the original "Psycho". There have been a few classics. Eff'd up thing for horror fiends like myself is that the GREAT horror flicks are mad rare, and sometimes it takes years to catch one worthy of ending up in the DVD blu-ray collection. Last joint I saw that was even semi collector worthy was "The Ring" released back in 2002. No doubt the Asian J or K horror ones stayed mad hot for a while, up until they starting running the same formula into the ground, every one of them having the mandatory dead, cursed, eff'd up looking Japanese girl with the long wet hair hunting that ass down. That shit got played out quick.

Sam Raimi remains one of my favorite movie directors to date. Dude started out back in 1981 with the low budget flick "The Evil Dead". In a nutshell, The Evil Dead was about five college students who came across a haunted book in the woods and inadvertently unleashed all types of fuckery upon themselves. Although low budget, Raimi was able to combine the perfect elements of horror and comedy resulting in the movie becoming a cult horror classic. Raimi followed with two sequels to complete the trilogy, "The Evil Dead II" (1987) which went head to head with it's predecessor in becoming another classic, especially since it wasn't as much a sequel as it was a revamping of the first one with a bigger budget and "Army Of Darkness" (1993) which was wackier than the first two and played out more like a slapstick, horror adventure piece. By the time Raimi completed his "Evil" trilogy however, he was deemed by many to be a master of the genre.























Having locked down the horror game, Raimi decided he would try his hand at full blown action adventure. The result was the 1990 classic "Darkman". "Darkman" jumped out of nowhere and became that instant suburban mall and ghetto banger with Liam Neesom playing the disfigured hero type maniac who wrecked shop in his quest for revenge against the gangsters that made his life a living hell. "Darkman" was so on point in that it played like the perfect comic book movie, even though it wasn't based on any actual comic book characters. With one shot, Raimi proved that he was also on top of his game with the action/adventure genre.


















Not one to rest on his laurels with horror and action in his pocket, Raimi's next joint was a flick that further stretched the master storyteller's horizons with the western "The Quick And The Dead" starring Sharon Stone, Gene Hackman, Russell Crowe and Leonardo DiCaprio. In it, Stone played a female gunslinger focused on revenge against Gene Hackman who played the nasty bad man who had wronged her. Although the movie played out like a typical spaghetti western, Raimi won in that he infused the flick with his own quirky, fast paced style. "The Quick And The Dead" satisfied many movie goers who wanted a little western flavor added to their movie going experience.





















Raimi churned out two more notable movies, "A Simple Plan" (1998) which was a crime, drama thriller that had a Coen brothers feel and "The Gift" (2000) which was a quiet but well crafted return to his horror roots. After proving, time after time, that he was that go to guy to the Hollywood shot callers, Raimi beat out a host of block buster film makers in landing the holy grail of comic book movies "Spider-Man"(2002). "Spider-Man" was the movie Marvel comics had been trying to make for over 20 years. After the success of "X-Men" (2000) and with Hollywood turning it's eye to comic books as the next cash cow, Raimi was tapped to step to the plate and once on board, he delivered a home run. "Spider-Man 2" (2004) proved to be better than the first and became arguably, one of the best in the comic book movie genre. "Spider-Man 3" wasn't the critically acclaimed piece that the first two were, mainly because now that Raimi proved he was that blockbuster director, the studio allegedly applied mad pressure in having him throw everything and the kitchen sink into the movie in order to guarantee another successful hit. Fans complained about S3 having too many villains, plus that whole cornball black suited emo Spider-Man thingie, nonetheless S3 went on to become a major commercial success.

















I go into Sam Raimi's filmography because, as I mentioned above, I am a true fan of this man's craft. I also go in because during the past few years, fans have been begging Raimi to return to his true original love, the horror movie. In addition, Sam has been complaining of late about how he has been aching to return to his roots in order to bless horror fans the world over with a much needed classic, the type shit that might could make one soil their draws. On May 29th, Sam Raimi will be bringing us "Drag Me To Hell". "Drag Me To Hell" is about a young female bank loan officer ambitious in moving up in her career. Feeling she has to prove her gully to her superiors, she shits on an old gypsy woman who practically begs her to be more lenient in extending a grace period in order for the gypsy to avoid foreclosure on her home. Once shitted on, the gypsy woman brings it, in spades. "Drag Me To Hell" was screened at this years South By South West film festival and was met with critical acclaim across the board. I've even been warned to bring an extra pair of clean draws upon my first viewing. The trailer looks like mad shits and giggles. No question, I am psyched. I'm hoping that my fellow horror fans are equally as psyched. May 29th is now looking so effin far way.

So I'm asking, what's yer favorite horror flick?

NO SPOILERS!

Today wifey, me and the homie Fritz decided to play hookie in order to catch the 10am viewing of Watchmen at the IMAX Lincoln Center screen. We got there at 9:28am and the place was effin packed. I guess there was a whole lotta hookie going on. Not going deep into what the story is about, only because you can get that shit anywhere these days, but Watchmen was originally published by DC Comics as a twelve-issue comic book limited series written by Alan Moore, drawn by Dave Gibbons and colored by John Higgins. The series was published in single issues format during 1986 and 1987. The story was basically a deconstruction of the whole super-hero mythos and very much captured the pre-apocalyptic tension that permeated New York City during the 1980's. When that shit dropped, no one reading it knew where the fuck the book was taking them, but they knew it was a ride the medium of comic books had never taken them on before. Dense with both pop and classic literature references, Watchmen was multi-layered in story, structure and theme. The story was mad philosophical with regard to what being a super-hero really meant and went in deep with topics ranging from war, murder, rape, child abuse, prostitution and euthanasia on a genocidal level. To say Watchmen was, and remains to this day, the best piece of work captured in comic form is an understatement. It's the "Citizen Kane" of graphic novels, bar none. Even in describing what the book is about, what the experience of reading it is all about, I am not doing it any justice. I can only, and once again, strongly suggest to all of you out there who have never read it to please sincerely take the initiative to cop the book and do so. Your life in general will most definitely be enhanced.

















As hard as it is for me to explain what the Watchmen reading experience is, it's twice as hard for ANY FILMAKER to truly capture the full experience on film. Watchmen has been deemed "impossible" to make as a film. Zack Snyder of "300" fame does a pretty good fucking job at it though. Visually, the film hits all the notes, from costumes to grand background scenes to choreographed action sequences. This is the joint you most definitely cop a bag of shrooms to drop in order to capture the full visual experience. The IMAX screen adds to Snyder's visual A game. Being an '80's period piece that spans several decades (50's, 60's, 70's), post World War II New York, Viet Nam and even life on Mars never looked better. In addition, the characters as designed in the book are portrayed faithfully, virtually jumping off the pages. Rorshach, The Comedian and Dr. Manhattan (played by Billy Crudup and pimped out in CGI fashion) in particular make for some of the best book to film adaptations ever seen. Snyder also brings some of that slo-mo to quick fast visual magic that came off so well with his prior "300" joint. As a "super-hero" movie, the action is on point and mos def earns it's R rating. My kids were hating on the fact that we didn't bring them and I'm glad that we didn't. In addition to the major sex scene being soft pr0n worthy, the violence portions were well served and I got my fair share of blood splatter, bone breakage and blade cuttage. Wigs definitely got split and that is truly pun intended. The manliest of you will be giving up a wince and squirm here and there. Yes, I dare you.















Story and plot wise? Let me ask, how do you adapt the Bible into an action packed blockbuster for mass commercial consumption? Yeah, I dunno either. As much as Snyder tries to be as faithful as possible to the original, there's mad nuances and layers that are just not possible to capture on screen. At 2 hours and 40 minutes, the film is actually a well streamlined version of the original work but in no way comes close to capturing the full depth of the masterpiece that is the book. As much as I was amped to see more, at times, it was obvious to me that the piece was a bit too heavy in it's length. Philosophically, parts of the movie lumbered in the weight of it's depth, and as much as I loved every bit of it, there were moments where I was kinda bored.























All that said, what do I really think? As a fan of the Watchmen graphic novel, I always hoped that it would be made into a movie, even though deep inside, I wished it would never made into one only because I knew how virtually impossible it would be to fully capture all that is the Watchmen on film. However, if there was ever a film version of Watchmen that I would want to see, this joint is definitely it. The movie definitely earns an A for effort and a B for delivery. Don't get me wrong, I will definitely be seeing this again, next time hopefully in full altered state. I even see Blu-ray addage to my dvd collection. Snyder came to the table facing a lose lose situation and came out with a win-win/lose outcome. This isn't a date movie type of flick, more like the cerebral joint you and your nerdish type set might could build on on a weekend night. I will be seeing scenes of this film in my dreams as I sleep tonight.

I thoroughly endorse Watchmen the movie. There's nothing out there like this and I don't foresee anything like this in the distant future. In addition, I strongly urge that you Watchmen virgins cop that graphic novel and STUDY it like math. Just cause I said so and also because you will be broadening your horizons.






















In the end though, The Dark Knight > Watchmen.

Tomorrow. 10am. IMAX. Lincoln Center. Official Combat Jack review soon to follow.

I know a lot of ya'll just ain't into this geek, comic booky shit, but really, after viewing this clip, are you not yet entertained?

Right about now, Warner Brothers is not effin around with the promotionals. If you're up on the seminal graphic novel "Watchmen", this right here is better than prOn, if not, either catch up by copping a copy and reading it in it's entirety before March 6th, or as a certain blogger on the other end of the dial would say, go kill yerself.

At the :48 mark, they actually let fly the words "lesbian whores" in the background. They had me at hello.

I am a HUGE comic book fan. I am a HUGE Watchmen fan. I came across this clip and then immediately jizzed my pants. Sorry and [||]. To my geek heads out there, how EFFIN incredible is this biyatch right here? It is sooo effin on on March 6th, 2009.

I have truly dropped the ball with all this Obama-mania sweeping the globe. I was more than a lil' hungover on the day after last year's historic election so I wasn't able to get up early enough to snatch copies of any of the major newspapers headlining the nation's first Black president. Then I missed copping most of the major magazines with B'rock gracing their covers. So when I heard a coupla weeks ago that Marvel was dropping Spiderman #583 with a cover featuring the likeness of our 44th president, I knew I had to get a piece of this. Understand, I've been buying, collecting, and reading comics since the '70's and I'd feel like a total dick if I let this one fly by. So yesterday, I called all the local comic book shops to see if I could pre-order some copies. No luck, everybody and their momma were requesting copies. I even checked on-line and copies everywhere were already sold out. There were even some pre-sale copies on e-bay for like $20-$50 a copy, even though a copy at retail is $3.99. Shit. My last chance of getting a copy was Midtown Comics. Those of ya'll not familiar, Midtown is one of THE main geek outlets in midtown Manhattan. Midtown Comics, get it? Anyways, Midtown is the place where they sell like EVERYTHING comic book and sci-fi related. A few years ago, one'a my dudes, and I'm talking like a REAL Black nerd ass geek, actually went up in there and brought a life size, heavy ass replica of Thor's hammer for like $300. His wife ended up cussing dude out, something about being late with the rent. Anyways, I'm saying, Midtown is an effin fan boy's wet dream. [||]. Since I've been buying shit from them for like over 10 years, I figured I'd call them to hook me up with a reserve copy on the side. Nope. They told me that they were only selling copies on a first come, first serve basis and that their doors would open at 10am sharp. Eff it, I figured since my kids go to school in the city, after dropping them off, I would be able to get out to Midtown Comics by like 9:15, way before anyone else, cop my issues, then bounce.

Nobody told me it would be like effin 24 degrees though. When I get there at 9:30 this morning, there's an effin line of about 100 cats ahead of me and I am truly freezing balls, plus, I'm not even sure they're gonna have copies by the time I get inside the piece. Also, there's like a news camera crew all up in everyone's face, taking pictures and asking all types of gay ass questions about why we were waiting out in the cold like idjits and what not. Although I no longer hide the fact that I gets geeky from time to time, I wasn't tryna have my grill all up in the evening news as one of those dicks that waited on line in the freezing cold just to cop a Spiderman comic book. That would really, really not be my style. Everytime the crew walked by me, I made like I was on my cell, just to throw their scent off. Occasionally, one of the clerks would come out and shout that they're only selling two copies per person, thus nixing my chances of buying 20 copies and selling 18 of them on e-bay tomorrow for like a $100 a pop.

So at 10 on the dot, they open the doors, and I'm hoping there's not a mad rush like that Walmart incident last Black Friday that ended up killing a coupla shopaholics in Long Island, NY. Would'ja believe, and I am not effin lying, that right at that moment, some Black chic, dressed all corporate chic, looking like she works at either BET or MTV, actually tries to cut the head of the line, outta the blue, on some "I'm first" shit. Luckily, the lil' China geek dude who she was tryna cut and who must have been on line like an hour before I got there was not having that shit and started cussing her the eff out like she tried to run off with his pocket protector and calculator. The funny shit though, is that Ms. Black BET gets all indignant with Lil' China and gets all up in his shit, cussing out all types of shit back, loud as all fuck at 10am, on a workday, in Midtown Manhattan, in front of a comic book store, with a line of like then 300 grown adults, causing all types of scene, camera crew steady catching this fuckery on tape. True effin story.

So after some of the bigger dudes that work at Midtown Comics come down and haul this loud broad away, you know, her ghetto ass being bad for publicity and all, the line rolls smoothly and I cop my issue and bounce.

How was it? Was it worth all the wait and the drama? No. The story begins with the upcoming inauguration. Obama is about to get sworn in when a limo pulls up to the scene and another Obama jumps out like "WTF?!?" Peter Parker is there taking pictures as a newpaper photographer and decides to change into his Spider gear, just in case shit pops off. Spidey swings back, front and center of the commotion, where secret service and him are tryna figure out who the real B'rock is. The two Obama's then get into a heated debate about, of all things, Basketball, with one being knowledgeable about the sport and the other, hemming and hawing, thus proving to be the obvious imposter. I am not lying, although I wish I were. Then after Obama gives him permission, Spidey hauls off and cold cocks the fraud who ends up being the Chameleon, one of Spidey's weakest foes evah. Cops haul off Chameleon as he's bitching about how close he came to running the country, nukes and all. Spidey and Obama then have some lame dialogue, dick riding each other about how they're each others biggest fan, and they part by giving each other a pound, also referred by the media these days as a "terrorist fist jab".

Pretty lame, right? Nowhere as close to being the classic that was "Superman vs. Muhhamed Ali" that DC comics dropped back in the '70's. Now THAT was an effin great piece of work. The good thing about all this though, was that all day, I was able to call up and email my peoples, asking them "innocently" whether they had copped a copy, catching some satisfaction knowing well in advance that they hadn't and would be all disappointed sounding and what not. I know, I can get petty like that. Anyways, for what it's worth, I got my hands on one of the hottest pieces of Obama memorabilia out. Being that it will be a historic artifact, I'ma cake off on this piece someday down the line.

Do any of you know whether that Black chick ended up making tonight's news? Let me know.