Combat Jack With Today's Mathematics

I have truly dropped the ball with all this Obama-mania sweeping the globe. I was more than a lil' hungover on the day after last year's historic election so I wasn't able to get up early enough to snatch copies of any of the major newspapers headlining the nation's first Black president. Then I missed copping most of the major magazines with B'rock gracing their covers. So when I heard a coupla weeks ago that Marvel was dropping Spiderman #583 with a cover featuring the likeness of our 44th president, I knew I had to get a piece of this. Understand, I've been buying, collecting, and reading comics since the '70's and I'd feel like a total dick if I let this one fly by. So yesterday, I called all the local comic book shops to see if I could pre-order some copies. No luck, everybody and their momma were requesting copies. I even checked on-line and copies everywhere were already sold out. There were even some pre-sale copies on e-bay for like $20-$50 a copy, even though a copy at retail is $3.99. Shit. My last chance of getting a copy was Midtown Comics. Those of ya'll not familiar, Midtown is one of THE main geek outlets in midtown Manhattan. Midtown Comics, get it? Anyways, Midtown is the place where they sell like EVERYTHING comic book and sci-fi related. A few years ago, one'a my dudes, and I'm talking like a REAL Black nerd ass geek, actually went up in there and brought a life size, heavy ass replica of Thor's hammer for like $300. His wife ended up cussing dude out, something about being late with the rent. Anyways, I'm saying, Midtown is an effin fan boy's wet dream. [||]. Since I've been buying shit from them for like over 10 years, I figured I'd call them to hook me up with a reserve copy on the side. Nope. They told me that they were only selling copies on a first come, first serve basis and that their doors would open at 10am sharp. Eff it, I figured since my kids go to school in the city, after dropping them off, I would be able to get out to Midtown Comics by like 9:15, way before anyone else, cop my issues, then bounce.

Nobody told me it would be like effin 24 degrees though. When I get there at 9:30 this morning, there's an effin line of about 100 cats ahead of me and I am truly freezing balls, plus, I'm not even sure they're gonna have copies by the time I get inside the piece. Also, there's like a news camera crew all up in everyone's face, taking pictures and asking all types of gay ass questions about why we were waiting out in the cold like idjits and what not. Although I no longer hide the fact that I gets geeky from time to time, I wasn't tryna have my grill all up in the evening news as one of those dicks that waited on line in the freezing cold just to cop a Spiderman comic book. That would really, really not be my style. Everytime the crew walked by me, I made like I was on my cell, just to throw their scent off. Occasionally, one of the clerks would come out and shout that they're only selling two copies per person, thus nixing my chances of buying 20 copies and selling 18 of them on e-bay tomorrow for like a $100 a pop.

So at 10 on the dot, they open the doors, and I'm hoping there's not a mad rush like that Walmart incident last Black Friday that ended up killing a coupla shopaholics in Long Island, NY. Would'ja believe, and I am not effin lying, that right at that moment, some Black chic, dressed all corporate chic, looking like she works at either BET or MTV, actually tries to cut the head of the line, outta the blue, on some "I'm first" shit. Luckily, the lil' China geek dude who she was tryna cut and who must have been on line like an hour before I got there was not having that shit and started cussing her the eff out like she tried to run off with his pocket protector and calculator. The funny shit though, is that Ms. Black BET gets all indignant with Lil' China and gets all up in his shit, cussing out all types of shit back, loud as all fuck at 10am, on a workday, in Midtown Manhattan, in front of a comic book store, with a line of like then 300 grown adults, causing all types of scene, camera crew steady catching this fuckery on tape. True effin story.

So after some of the bigger dudes that work at Midtown Comics come down and haul this loud broad away, you know, her ghetto ass being bad for publicity and all, the line rolls smoothly and I cop my issue and bounce.

How was it? Was it worth all the wait and the drama? No. The story begins with the upcoming inauguration. Obama is about to get sworn in when a limo pulls up to the scene and another Obama jumps out like "WTF?!?" Peter Parker is there taking pictures as a newpaper photographer and decides to change into his Spider gear, just in case shit pops off. Spidey swings back, front and center of the commotion, where secret service and him are tryna figure out who the real B'rock is. The two Obama's then get into a heated debate about, of all things, Basketball, with one being knowledgeable about the sport and the other, hemming and hawing, thus proving to be the obvious imposter. I am not lying, although I wish I were. Then after Obama gives him permission, Spidey hauls off and cold cocks the fraud who ends up being the Chameleon, one of Spidey's weakest foes evah. Cops haul off Chameleon as he's bitching about how close he came to running the country, nukes and all. Spidey and Obama then have some lame dialogue, dick riding each other about how they're each others biggest fan, and they part by giving each other a pound, also referred by the media these days as a "terrorist fist jab".

Pretty lame, right? Nowhere as close to being the classic that was "Superman vs. Muhhamed Ali" that DC comics dropped back in the '70's. Now THAT was an effin great piece of work. The good thing about all this though, was that all day, I was able to call up and email my peoples, asking them "innocently" whether they had copped a copy, catching some satisfaction knowing well in advance that they hadn't and would be all disappointed sounding and what not. I know, I can get petty like that. Anyways, for what it's worth, I got my hands on one of the hottest pieces of Obama memorabilia out. Being that it will be a historic artifact, I'ma cake off on this piece someday down the line.

Do any of you know whether that Black chick ended up making tonight's news? Let me know.