Combat Jack With Today's Mathematics

Crispus Attucks (c. 1723 – March 5, 1770)

Back at Cornell University, there was this Black dude named Cornell. Cornell was this short 'lil fella that I think ran track. He probably didn't though, since he was a true nerd. He also made it a point to not hang out with with any Black people. On campus, the student body was like 25,000 deep and being that at the time (probably now too) there were so few of us, and what I mean is few Black people, we made it a point to at least build with each other, have each others back. Nothing exclusive, but you know how ornery white can get when they're clearly in the majority.

Anyways, Cornell was mad happy on account of how he managed to stay away from Black people. He even pledged a white frat during our freshman year. I forget which one, but like most white frats up in college, they had a dope ass house which epitomized the whole Ivy League experience. Ivy growing on the facade, mad oak wood floors and libraries, framed pictures of frat brothers going 100 years back, all of 'em white except for Cornell (the dude). So once this guy becomes an official frat member, he takes place in what was tradition for this frat, the beloved beer flume. It'd be a Friday night and this frat would have kegs all up in their piece, you know how they love them some kegs. Brothers meanwhile, stayed grasping the 40 oz. So one night, white is partaking in their beloved beer flume, where they make a line on both sides, kinda like the Soul Train line, and then they'd commence to pour beer from the kegs onto the wood floors so that its like a one'a those Slip and Slide thingies, like the photo below:

















Gassed up on beer, white would proceed to take off their shirts, race to the beer flume and have a good ole time slip sliding to and fro. Mad shits and giggles. Getting back to my point, one day, Cornell, the Black fella, decides he will make history by becoming the first Black dude to slip slide on white's hallowed beer flume. White gasses him up, tanked up, Cornell runs and proceeds to slide. Problem is, Cornell, being too eager to both please and out do his brethren, puts too much accelerate on his approach. Dude takes off with so much momentum that as he flumes, he takes off like an effin black rocket, so much so that he keeps going, way past the stop mark, so fast even, that his head collides against the wall way on the other side of the room. Dude was fluming so fast that upon contact of head and wall, Cornell (the Black dude) cracks his spinal cord in several places, thus leaving him a quadriplegic for the rest of his life. Yeah, that shit was tragic, and most definitely a true story, but I learned a valuable lesson: Black should never ever partake in activities that are designed, by nature to be exclusively white.

Did you know that today kicks off Crispus Attucks week? Born in 1723, Crispus was an escaped slave. Upon arriving to Boston, he was greeted by white who thought it would be mad cool to have a token Black amongst their ranks. Soon enough, Crispus and his boys came up with the name "Ye Olde Drank Mad Meade Crew". The Drank Mad Meade crew became notorious for invading every known pub in Boston from like 10 am until they closed shop. Their drink of choice was that fresh Samuel Adams brew, who happened to be alive then. It's even reported somewhere that being a fan of the crew, Sam gave these cats an endorsement deal, blessing them with authentic Sam Adams jerseys. Dudes also had coupons which enabled them to drink free Sam Adams brew at participating taverns.























The Drank Mad Meade Crew stayed having mad beef with other inferior crews, and they would dominate said crews in gang fights throughout the city. Many surmised that the Drank Mad Meade Crew had the advantage because they was always fueled up on alcohol plus had a Black dude who was always eager to jump in the front and prove his worthiness to his crew. Around this time, America was on some pop off shit with the British. Still under colonial rule, colonists here resented being taxed for shit and having to answer to the King. A couple of skirmishes took place, but nothing big, and shit always resulted in the British keeping the colonists well in their place.

On Monday, March 5, 1770, a British soldier walked into a barber shop, got a trim, and when asked to pay for the barber's services smacked the barber across his mouth saying "Fuck yo bill, go tell it to the King, beyacth!" News spread fast and around 11am, as the Drank Mad Meade crew was polishing up their third round of pitchers, a boy, idolizing the crew, ran up in the bar to tell them about the incident. Seeing the British as just a bigger version of some of their other rival gangs, the crew got hyped. One of the crew members, enraged at the incident, let out a "Yo, let's lay these British niggas way the fuck down, son." Throwing one last round of brew down and violently pounding on the bar, the Drank Mad Meade Crew was AMPED! Dudes then ran home, collecting their hunting knives, batons and muskets, ready to tear shit up with regard to the British.

A little after 12pm, the DMM crew spotted a group of British soldiers. "Thar those bitches be-ith", one of the members shouted. So incensed that the soldiers were proudly rocking their colors on their turf, the DMM ran towards them. Crispus, having recently been promoted to war chief status, screamed out "I got this fam, I got th.....". Instantly, the British let off some rounds, striking Crispus dead center in the chest with two bullets. The picture below also depicts poor Crispus about to catch a mean one with a mini bat from behind. Needless to say, Crispus died immediately.





















See how dude got that mini bat arched up? Not a good look for Crispus.

Although it is historically agreed that the attack on the British soldiers was a major pu~ on the part of the DMM crew, according to Wikipedia, Crispus "has been frequently named as the first martyr of the American Revolution and is the only Boston Massacre victim whose name is commonly remembered. He is regarded as an important and inspirational figure in American history." So in celebration of Crispus Attucks week, let all Black know that as fun and cool as it can be to roll with our white brethren, stay on point when being invited to partake in some their fun looking but way dangerous for Black activities. I haven't yet compiled a list as to what activities to stay away from, but before jumping in, just think "what business does a Black person like me have joining in on some white people shit like this?". It might just could end up saving your life. When in doubt, just say no!